Dear every girl ever,

I know you've reached your hand up towards the second shelf expecting me to be there, I'm sorry. At least I was kind enough to leave you this note:

I would never try to make someone feel a certain way. the best part about being true, and not playing games is to know that you are liked because of who you are. Not because of a certain angle you play, or because you know how to make women want you, but simply because you are a great person. I'm secure enough to know that anything negative someone feels towards me is about them, and has nothing to do with me.

I would never be obsessed with someone. I have a stronger mind than most people can see. My roots are in Christ. Never in a woman. I would never put much of my trust in a connection between myself and any human. That type of thinking leads people to do crazy things.

It's also the idea of ownership that makes people do crazy things. They get angry that their "possession" was taken away. This kind of anger lets you know they never really cared. They just wanted you under their thumb. I know that I will never "own" anyone, nor do I wish to. I only wish for someone who decides to live under God's authority. If I find someone like that, I will know that we have similar principles, which is important.

being strong is why I am crushed every time a relationship is ended, because I rebuild my heart to purity every time it gets crushed. The tears I shed reveal my true strength. For any man can lock his heart away and treat women like they are nothing. It is not a strength, but a weakness. People are afraid to give their heart away because of the pain involved and the damage it is susceptible to when your holding it out there.

I am strong because I know the risks, I know the pain, I feel the fear. But I will give 100% every time. The day that I decide to hold back and treat someone like a fling or a one night romance could be the day that I let the perfect person for me slip through my fingers.

I've come to realise that you don't want someone like me. You would never be able to take what I have to give. At least, not for another few years, when girls start to catch up and realise that the way they think about relationships is screwed up. I picture them all having fatherless kids at that point. Looking for a janitor. Those seem to be the only types that want to have a relationship with me these days.

But I'm no one's plan B. I'm not something cooking on the back burner. I'm not sitting on a shelf. I'm good enough to be more than a girls contingency plan.

so sorry you've found some dust and this letter, but I don't wait. I never will. I never would. Not because you weren't amazing, but because you had your chance. You've had your cake and have eaten it with so many others, I decided that this is the one desert that you've had, but you'll never eat. And for the record:

I taste the best.

~ Jeff

revealed truth #2

picture a room with guys and girls.
they all have their hands out.
some casually just hold it out there like it's no big deal.
Some look like its all they have left, and its the only thing thats going to save them.

So hands are held to see what the feeling is like.
the better and longer the feeling lasts, the longer they hold hands.
but no matter how good it feels, our eyes start to wander.
"maybe this isn't the hand I'm supposed to grab"
"maybe this isn't the hand I'm supposed to be with"
"I don't know what kind of hand I want"
these thoughts make this feeling disappear.
So then the process begins again.

If someone is lacking in being content their outstretched hand looks for an answer, but there is no magical person you will meet to fill these gaps, we are the only ones who can do that. Only in seeking truth you will find peace and freedom. so be with anyone you choose, but don't look to them to fill you or fix you or fill up the holes you've accumulated.

I want to find the girl with her hands behind her back, loving herself enough not to need a hand to hold.
I want to meet her and find out who she is, as she finds out who I am. I want to find a girl that brings her hand forward just to hold mine, not because she needs me to complete her, but because she knows I will perfectly compliment her.

grab a hold of your brand new shoes,
walk away from my looking at you
and forget about anything to stop you from flying

I spun some webs, to keep her safe
but forgot to stop when I met someone great
I know you need to spread those wings.
so I won't hold on with even the smallest thread.
but if this flying leads you nowhere I've a place,
oh a place for you to rest -

- you could, grab a hold of your torn up shoes
stare straight back at my, looking at you
and forget about everything that stops you from smiling

but if you circle round my head
and decide on a, better place to land
please realise, that I won't be red
I'll jump on my bike and live in the sand
and talk to people, much like you,
I'll ask em why, they sit there singing the blues

I'll grab hold of my sturdy shoes
I'll miss the days of my, lookin at you
and forget, anything to stop me from flying

I know I'm someone else now. I'm not sure who quite yet. but considering what I gave up to be here, I hope It's a better person than I was. Now I don't blame anyone for the mistakes they've made because I've made some grave ones myself. Now I don't wish anything on anyone except for understanding. Understand that nothing I do is because of you. its because of me. I'm doing what I think is right, not what I think will make me happy because I'm more concerned about my wellbeing than my immediate happiness. I'm standing up for what I believe is the truth. I'm following this dim light I can see in my minds eye, hoping its the way out. If you ever wonder what happened to me, just follow the trail of breadcrumbs I'm leaving behind, because I don't want you to stand in front of me, but please, follow behind.

There a key I am searching for - a key I will find, that plugs all the holes in my thoughts and seals off all my doubts. and I could not be more certain that I am on the right path. connections are being made, I am learning slowly about the things I need to take with me. the things that will help me on my way. I will split myself in two so I can be the actor and watch the play. I will remember that your remarks are part of a script that was written by your past. Well, I'm rewriting my own. erasing the pages that tell me who I am, and filling them with the truth. I am not a failure, I was created for success. the intentions for my life are far greater than my aspirations. I will remember there are giftings that are beyond what the world calls useful. If I am scorned because my life's attention is not to make money or have power - so be it. In the end there is no man who will hold any power. I will not strive for something that has no purpose. I will not be distracted by offerings of pleasure. indulgence clouds my mind. It postpones progress. most of all, in the end it kills. I will not ignore my restless feeling - it is the voice that tells me there is nothing where I am. move on.

Yes. you are right. Who am I to you? nothing. I am worthless. like I've always been. I was never a guide, so I won't start now. Who has ever had respect for my thoughts? Even I laugh at the thought of being considered 'holy' or even 'respectable'. but at least I am searching. Now, you may pause and turn your head to see what is happening here. And you will go back to your patterns. Patterns you hate, but they function. They give you an answer, and we all need an answer... even if its not the truth, it fills that blank spot in your head that won't go away by any other means.

and when your ears have rotted and fallen off, I will still be here. screaming your name.

I was put on this earth.
I'm pretty sure I believe that statement.
To bad no instructions were left behind.
And it makes it feel like I will not succeed.

Well, maybe there was something left behind.
I think the fact that I can't be happy doing anything indicates that.
But I'm sure there is one thing I would love.
I wish I knew what it was.
I have an insane amout of effort in me, but its like a use once and destroy.
I know I will grow in whatever I decide to do in life,
but the decision is so hard.
I have to learn something, and then try it.
I wish we could sample things and then go on to school for them.
What good is a degree in anything when you have no idea what its like to be in that profession?
I must sleep. much work tomorrow.

I like blogging. blogger is the best for writing, but you never really meet anyone. hmmm...


my thought of the moment:

we are good at building walls, but often forget doors that let us out...