I know I'm someone else now. I'm not sure who quite yet. but considering what I gave up to be here, I hope It's a better person than I was. Now I don't blame anyone for the mistakes they've made because I've made some grave ones myself. Now I don't wish anything on anyone except for understanding. Understand that nothing I do is because of you. its because of me. I'm doing what I think is right, not what I think will make me happy because I'm more concerned about my wellbeing than my immediate happiness. I'm standing up for what I believe is the truth. I'm following this dim light I can see in my minds eye, hoping its the way out. If you ever wonder what happened to me, just follow the trail of breadcrumbs I'm leaving behind, because I don't want you to stand in front of me, but please, follow behind.

There a key I am searching for - a key I will find, that plugs all the holes in my thoughts and seals off all my doubts. and I could not be more certain that I am on the right path. connections are being made, I am learning slowly about the things I need to take with me. the things that will help me on my way. I will split myself in two so I can be the actor and watch the play. I will remember that your remarks are part of a script that was written by your past. Well, I'm rewriting my own. erasing the pages that tell me who I am, and filling them with the truth. I am not a failure, I was created for success. the intentions for my life are far greater than my aspirations. I will remember there are giftings that are beyond what the world calls useful. If I am scorned because my life's attention is not to make money or have power - so be it. In the end there is no man who will hold any power. I will not strive for something that has no purpose. I will not be distracted by offerings of pleasure. indulgence clouds my mind. It postpones progress. most of all, in the end it kills. I will not ignore my restless feeling - it is the voice that tells me there is nothing where I am. move on.

Yes. you are right. Who am I to you? nothing. I am worthless. like I've always been. I was never a guide, so I won't start now. Who has ever had respect for my thoughts? Even I laugh at the thought of being considered 'holy' or even 'respectable'. but at least I am searching. Now, you may pause and turn your head to see what is happening here. And you will go back to your patterns. Patterns you hate, but they function. They give you an answer, and we all need an answer... even if its not the truth, it fills that blank spot in your head that won't go away by any other means.

and when your ears have rotted and fallen off, I will still be here. screaming your name.